How Marie got her groove back(and fell in love w Hank all over again)
by samanddianefan10
Summary: A different take on Hank and Marie's love story. Marie is already grieving, trying to pick up the pieces of her life after his death. But then when she discovers that Hank had been hiding a major secret from her, well, suddenly even Walter wasn't the most hated man in her world anymore. The worst part- she's isolated from family and never more alone in her life.
1. Chapter 1

Marie was really, really dreading this day. Hank's boss had called, asking if she'd wanted the opportunity to go through his belongings from his desk. It was a thoughtful gesture, and she knew he meant well. But for her, this was the last thing she wanted to do.

The past two weeks had been a blur...a nightmare in which she found herself unable to wake up. It was the same thing every goddamned day...wake up, look for her husband, remember that he really was dead, and never coming back to her...she'd cry and go through the motions of trying to just make it through the day. At night she'd go to their room to grab a pair of pajamas, only to be reminded that she would never, ever, ever share her bed with Hank again. And as in the mornings, she'd cry and cry and cry, unable to know just how to process what was now her reality.

So by going to his office, for the final time, to clear out his desk...not only would his presence still linger around that area, she'd really be reminded more of how wonderful Hank had been, how heroic, how he'd given his life to protect innocent people from the hands of a madman. The one life he couldn't save, in a bitterly ironic twist, had been his own.

His boss had kindly offered to bring Hank's belongings to her. But Marie, even through her grief, knew that she owed it to her husband to go for herself. She had to take in his surroundings, his environment, his still-lingering presence. (He'd been such a larger-than-life personality that Marie knew that Hank Shrader would be a hard, hard man for anyone to ever forget.)

So as she sat in her car, she held on tight to the door handle. All she had to do was to exit the car. It was that simple. Or it should have been that simple.

But yet again, she would be forced to say goodbye to Hank, and to permanently leave part of him behind.

Her breathing steadily and rapidly increasing, suddenly she found it quite difficult to take in any oxygen. Marie tried to roll down the window, but the damn lever was stuck. So she started the car and cranked up the air, and started trying to push with her hands the flow of air coming from the vents. The air couldn't come fast enough.

My God, it was hot in there. It was like she was in hell, physically and emotionally. Her chest aching, her throat tightening, Marie put her hand around her throat, wondering if she could massage it in order to relieve the tension that was forming around that area. But it didn't matter what she did-she was drowning in her own panic and discomfort.

Marie tried calling out for help, but not a noise could come from her mouth. She looked around, frantically waving for assistance. But none could be found.

Beads of sweat were now forming around her eyebrows.

She was dying. There was no other explanation. Apparently she really, truly just could not go on living without Hank.

And then it all stopped.

The coolness of the vents hit her face, drying up the sweat beads. Her throat relaxed, and she coughed, trying to just make sure she actually still was alive.

Once she did have that realization, she was more than a little disappointed, honestly.

Looking around, Marie realized where she was at, and then started breathing audible sighs.

Images of Hank struggling to breathe came to mind. There was the time he'd been driving and he'd crashed into a fenced in yard. At Marie's insistence, Hank had gone to the ER, only to be diagnosed as having had an anxiety attack. According to what Hank had admitted to the doctor, and previously unbeknownst to her, it hadn't been the first time that had happened to him.

Tears filling her eyes, the thought of Hank struggling with such scary experiences, unable to confide in her...dealing with his fear of the unknown, the possibility of being hurt on the job...only for the unthinkable to happen to him...

She should have been there for him, no matter how much he'd protested.

Marie was his wife, and it should have been up to her to make sure he didn't struggle, to go through his fears alone.

She'd tried, but it wasn't enough.

In the end, Hank had still lost his life, and Marie faced the knowledge of spending the rest of hers without him by her side.

The reflection of her wedding band in the side mirror caught her eye. She pulled her hand in front of her, examined the ring, her eternal symbol of Hank's love for her, and as she cried, she'd never felt more alone in her life.

She would go in and gather his belongings. She owed him so much- his support, his forgiveness, his providing a wonderful life for her, his affection and always teasing her about her being too good for him...it was never more clear to Marie than at that moment that it was she who truly had never deserved Hank.

And she would never get a chance to tell him.

tbc


	2. Chapter 2

So after being greeted warmly by Hank's former coworkers, and his boss showing her to his desk, Marie sat in silence, unable to get past the fragrance of his cologne that still lingered over his work area. She wondered briefly if it was all in her imagination, that she was trying to hold on to him so tightly that her mind was creating sensations that didn't actually exist.

But in a way, it didn't really matter. For this brief moment, she just closed her eyes and it was almost as if she were waiting for Hank to come in and yell at her, to protectively hide his life's work, to tell her to get her busy ass home and put on some freaking lasagna or something.

What she wouldn't give to hear the sound of his voice one last time.

Shutting her eyes, Marie tried to go over their last conversation yet again, for what now seemed like the billionth time.

He'd gotten Walt, Hank had told her. His voice had made her sense that he was relieved, that he could sleep easier, that he'd been proud to get that madman off the streets, that he'd accomplished something that had made the previous year worth all the pain Walt had inflicted upon the family.

The lies.

The betrayals.

The crime...drugs, murder...

Walt putting Marie's own family through hell...

I love you, Hank had told her. He'd be coming home soon.

Soon.

Then they could celebrate the end of his painful journey together, they could relax, begin to just enjoy each other and their life together again. It wouldn't have been easy, but with Hank's help, maybe Marie could eventually start to forgive Skyler, and they could really be there for the kids.

Hank had always, always loved Flynn. He could have really stepped up to the plate to be the kind of role model-father figure- that Walt had refused to be for his own son.

And in a heartbeat, it was all over.

Only this time, not only was Hank's quest for justice finished, so was his life.

Marie wiped the tears away that were forming in her eyes. She couldn't- she wouldn't- break down here. People would feel sorry for her, try to comfort her, remind her how wonderful Hank had been.

She didn't need any of that. What she needed was the one thing that no one or no amount of comfort could provide.

Fearing another anxiety attack, she took a deep breath in, and started the process of gathering Hank's belongings.

Some papers...it didn't matter how trivial the subject matter was...they were going home with her. A framed picture of Hank and Marie on their wedding day still rested on his desk, along with a picture of Hank smiling and taking a drink from his first batch homemade beer. Figures, she kind of smiled.

Not much...else...some receipts for restaurants, other various items. She didn't really pay much attention to them, moving on to some small items such as a stress relief ball that he could squeeze in his hand, some gum, other minute, seemingly meaningless pieces of paper.

No matter...they were his, and she would never let go of them.

Finally, after putting every little piece of paper, every little trinket into a little bag, Marie realized she would have to go home.

She stood up, when tucked away in the corner of the inside of his desk was one more piece of paper... it looked like a memo, or a printed email.

Ready to unfold it and see what this one was about, Marie was interrupted by the presence of the hand of Hank's boss on her shoulder.

Their eyes met, and Marie's hands just kept folding and unfolding the paper without reading it, just a way to pass time to listen to his thoughts of appreciation for Hank's 'sacrifice'.

Damn it, she thought as she tried to force a smile. He hadn't wanted to be a sacrificial figure to the community. He just wanted to be the best husband, agent, friend, and relative he could have been.

She must have blanked out for a minute, for she found herself standing, putting the piece of paper absentmindedly away in the bag of his belongings, and readied for the car trip home. Looking around one last time, she could see the looks of pity in the employee's eyes, and without saying a word, Marie held her head up high and made her way back to the parking lot to retrieve the car that Hank had bought her.

Little did she know it would be the last time in a long, long, long time that she would be able to hold her head up so high. As it turned out, Walter White hadn't been the only man in the family living with his own secret.

Hank's secret would turn out to be so painful for Marie to process, to believe, to deal with, that she was too vulnerable to understand that what lay ahead for her, in some ways, would be even more difficult for her to live with.

After all, despite her grief and unwillingness to accept everything that had happened, there would be eventually be some comfort...not much...but some...in knowing your husband had died a hero.

But what happened next...the realization that Hank wasn't quite as perfect as her mind so desperately needed him to be...well, Marie's journey was just now starting.

tbc


End file.
